music box (discussions of death, drowning, medical themes)

a tintinnabulation.

a clangor, a chime, bleeding into the depthless water with each imagined swing of the mind.

it surrounded me with comforting, buzzing hums, then painful, pulsing rings that pierced through the ebb and flow;

continuing to dye the water momentarily a blinding white, before fading, darkening, shifting back to the cold black sea as time caught up.

back to a state of normalcy, back to the cold dark sea.

the somber waves i couldn't see.

the chimes were unbroken, and oh, how my tympanum felt dull, mutilated, split and vivid! like millions of music box fireflies, in a motley of a deafening chorus!

i felt anxiety swell, and grow, then burst, along with my hearing. my first instinct was to flail, but my body was stiffened by the pressure of the boundless ocean.

the fireflies still flew away, with microscopic wings i couldn't see, leaving me in nocturnal silence, and broken ears.

although, i didn't really flail, did i? my limbs refused to move, staying still, entirely rigid.

i imagined i flailed. like my voice, my body, my mind were completely seperate.

was it the frigid cold around me? was it the night hued water squeezing, enclosing me?

it must be my form, under blankets, layers and coats, struggling to thrive, observing the bubbles that formed from nothing but my living, dying breath.

born from death.

born from life.

life and death.

misery and bliss.

violence and peace.

everything all at once.

a blubble that reaches the surface is a dead bubble. with no time to live, no time to develop, no time to be something meaningful, and not just another dead organism.

16 years of life encased in this body that fails me. painfully fails me, uselessly fails me. like my red as roses eardrums.

the surface, in a sheen of dazzling sun, smiled at me with pity.

the poor girl! sick and limp wrapped in frosted sheets for the ill!

the poor girl! hooked and taut in transparent machines, transparent trees!

silence slowly faded into sound.

i didn't think about the impossibility of that happening...

were my tympanums truly collapsed, or simply cracked?

a waltz of voices danced around me, in a measured tempo. i recognized its shapes, its gentle frequence, its loving reassurance. the voice was almost played like a piano.

as these voices merged together, linking, interlacing, tying its structures one after the other, i realized how different it sounded from what i had imagined.

it was garbled. now nearly unrecognizable. as if unblurring the lines only made it complete nonsense.

paralyzed and drowning with jabberwocky encompassing me, in the darkness of deep euthanasia.

i could feel a pressure on my shoulders, tight and frenzied. even when i was suffocating, my lungs were weirdly filled with air.

what was this shaking? this silent pleading, these frightened sobs?

time passed by in inconsistent ques of colors. time was an eternity, but never long enough.

the gurgles were quiet now. my entire being was covered in a tapestry of heat.

wrapped in compression, i closed my eyes.

i was scared. but i didn't feel so alone anymore.

so i sunk deeper.

and deeper.

and deeper.

and deeper.

in the arms of my lover.

the bitter blue water (content warning... implied death?)

the cold silent waters led me astray

in sweeps of fresh salt it carried me onto shore

a freezing blue; envelopped in seaweed

and a haunting sky looming above me.

with clouds shaped in erratic plumes of cotton candy smoke,

and sand prickly against my skin;

impossibly tiny crystals of promises my body laid upon.

with the azure sea being the hand that reaches and grabs,

for a hope, a way to absord the twinkles of the rock

at each pass of water, generous wave after generous wave,

my skin lapped upon blankets of transparent see-through oceans,

in a dancing loop of swallowing my soul and spitting it out.

i've had this dream before. these reflecting rocks as clear as mirrors, forming and shining right before my eyes.

this reality was all too real, too palpable, too frigid.

the black sky fogged with sugar white... as dark as the everyday night... staring out the window in the hospital room.

yet the sun lit the world anew despite the helpless void surrounding it.

my body was shimmering, shivering from the frosted waters. i forced my exhausted body up to its feet.

there's that figure in front of me. and that beautiful now detestable grin on its face.

her hair silky and as dark as the midnight above her.

red like the sun, red like my gift to her.

shining like the petals of a red flower.

i was familiar with the ending of this dream.

but i'm the type to keep pushing.

pushing forward, closer, heels digging into the luminous sand.

my feet burned with pain, the sea's temperature bitter and biting at my skin.

i reached out for my distorted lover.

she pulled away, her cruel smile turning to disgust, rejection, hate; walking away, deeper into the ocean,

her pale blue gown round and rolling by the wind, rippling, getting further astray from my grasp.

i convinced myself that this was different. this dream was the one where i would finally meet her embrace;

but away and away she went, the water up to my knees, wetting the ends of my skirt.

i leaped forward in desperation, in the grandest form of love and pleading a movement could show,

i grappled onto her dress,

and as expected,

she flew up into the sky, the metaphorical cieling of the earth;

but i couldn't let go. i held on tight, rippling the fabric with my hold, fingers digging.

spinning in dizzying circles, she laughed and laughed!

gyrating in a spiral, i've never seen her so full of life!

laughing into the clouds, laughing into the abyss!

she popped like a balloon, in an explosion of red. the fabric of her dress completely destroyed and dyed in what was left.

a beautiful detonation of her body, petals and a blood rain following her imagined death.

my body followed the rythm of the petals as i fell. slowly at first, gazing upon her fate.

but soon gravity pulled me down faster, until i met and embraced the ocean yet again.

head first, logic forced me through the sharp crystal sand, sinking as the dirtied red water filled my nose.

i didn't bother struggling. i was suffocating in the wrappings of the earth.

it wasn't so cold anymore. it was like the nurturing flesh of a mother.

i closed my eyes, with these final words in my head.

we will live again.

i must rebirth.

because this life is cursed.

it's the cursed life

of a child.

so let us rebirth

together in death.

OLDER WORKS

door (blood and implied s/h tw)

like honeydew to a heart, like ripping, shredding rot, asking a question that couldn't be asked due to a door that wouldn't open, a door inside a door,

an entrance to my body that envelops my whole being. that question refused to be asked, refused to be spoken, an aphonic kerplunk inside one's brain that stings,

pulsates and screams, in the back of my mouth, the back of my throat, the back of my thoughts.

an alleyway soaked in blood, dripping, brooding, hissing, crying and grabbing at my tattered clothes.

yellow pupils string and pull apart as the ground under me collapses in a million, trillion, billion, more than a god could count, pieces; and here i was, sitting in my room,

tears bubbling out of my eyes. tears i couldn't count, tears more than a god could count, and again, and again, it happened again. i had to ask this question,

this question behind all of those doors, full of even more doubts until that crushing fear consumes me. and here i am again, in my room.

what time is it?

what day is it?

it's 8:30 AM. i'm calm, my heart is trembling, i'm calm.

it's 8:31 AM. what day is it? monday, tuesday, again, again, the thoughts shatter and twist, piercing through the walls of someone i couldn't know; someone i couldn't reach.

i'm calm, my heart isn't beating, i'm calm

8:29 AM? i could smell honeydew. an escape, a door, another door, but the question remained. my heart searches for the honeydew, for a pleasurable escape; was i crying? it's 8:30 AM.

my arms are bleeding, leaking onto the carpet, before i found myself sitting in my own gaze.

regret seeped into my bones, my veins, my lungs, my eyes, my legs, but i found comfort.

through all of those doors,

all of those tears,

the answer was nothing special.

that honeydew, a pleasurable escape, i had found it.

it's 9 AM again.

and why should it matter? i tread through hallways upon hallways of vibrant splashes of refined red, my gait lethargic and hebetudinous as each step pierced through the silence; the snap of my rubber, plasticine shoes hitting the ambigious floor, endless beetles flying and buzzing around in my stomach as a thin layer of sweat ate away at my cold and clammy skin.

maybe this was the afterlife? the complex limbo of the brain, my intensly hued cerebrum that lit up at each step. the pain that throbbed and thrummed from my arms made my nervous system blubber and yowl, which in turn made more hot tears pour down my delicate, cracked porcelain cheeks.

this was the existence i was set to have.

the canvas set under my feet flashed at each throb of pain that shot within the cuts that i regretfully decided to make.

oh, pitiful me, pitiful me!

won't you pity me? hear my plea?

these cuts, they're from decree.

please, pity me.

the steady thrum that rung throughout the landscape lulled my tears, whispering soothing affirmations.

"a cut or two, that's okay to pursue..."

"it makes you feel better, to relieve that pressure."

"you'll keep cutting, won't you?"

"you'll keep cutting, won't you?"

that auspicious voice that quelled and subdued me, i didn't want to listen to it. i wanted to run and cover my ears, run to a different place, where that steady pain didn't mutilate the delicate skin on my wrists. then, a warm palm was placed in the centre of my chest.

i was completely still, as my heart palpitated and shook. my eyes were wide open, and i couldn't take a single second to look around my surroundings. this confusing warmth that slowly wrapped its temperate arms around my neck, the decor around us melting down to white mush. everything wasn't as threatening anymore.

[12:25 PM]

my trembling arms wrapped themselves around this unexplicable pleasent glow, the sensation of a gentle rub against my back making me puff out a breath i didn't even know i was holding in. it cooed words i wasn't familiar with.

"your arms are bleeding, and you aren't eating,"

"but you'll feel okay soon, i'll be your cocoon,"

"thank you for being trusting."

thank you for being trusting."

and i stood there, as the beads of sorrow that steadily streamed from my eyes turned into something else. the door was open, the doors i had tried to close opened on their own. and the warmth spread throughout my entire body. my tears weren't of despair, they weren't of panic or fear, but relief.

this desire to help, to heal,

i was misled to think it wasn't real,

that the people around me only loved my appeal.

but this warmth, it multiplated and grew,

it squeezed my heart anew

and our hearts mixed into a beautiful hue.

i love you.

need (content warning?? i dont rlly know)

and forever i will thirst for a touch that will never come, forever i will let the slick of my tears fill my need for love, never quite loving the gaping maw that circles my heart and gnaws at the pulsing, sobbing muscle. blabble of other days, chipper words that were absent-minded but now missed and desperately needed, a picnic, clouds swirling in the sky, and smiles. bellylaughs, giggles and your embrace, your warm and glistening eyes encircling the skin that carries my organs, tired, heavy organs, that my body tries to hold in as long as it possibly can. my immune system, shut down, in a trance and hazy with details, dizzy with crave and torn at the mind.

the euphoric sting, string, a wonderful ring, neck to neck, a breath that shudders with a step that shatters, once there, never there, untold and unspoken, born twice with no love and dead at the scene.

happy chemicals>>> (drugs tw)

i fall, i keep falling, deeper, further, never-ending and unbroken. that dread, the bottomless pit in a tattered body that spins and twists, squishing my stomach, jabbing and poking, as my lungs closed in on themselves, exhaling deeply, unable to breathe in. my organs refuse to keep moving, to keep me living, fear racking and schratching at my brain. i landed onto a flat surface, the impact somehow cushioned as i bounced up and down on what i thought was concrete. gray and cracked, yet bouncy and soft.

in heaved breaths, my legs force themselves to keep going, clumsily and haphazerdly climbing up the gelatin like stairs, squishing each step as my weight pressed down onto the now established ground> that i wasn't even sure was the ground> a playground> as flat yet as round> whispering as it transformed to a mound> flesh, rough flesh, veins i could trace with my gaze, as it rose, then fell, every few seconds. i didn't understand what could be happening, where i was, or who i was. these stairs, the pit below, was my only respite. so i climbed, i climbed, and didn't stop climbing. the skin like texture the stairs had taken made me shiver and jerk, feeling the meaty cushion at each step and pull. the fatigue of the repetitive movement, legs moving up and up, gnawed at my frail physique. surely, climbing this structure would free me from this absurd punishment. a punishment from god himself, a punishment for a disgrace in mind.

i crawled up to the top of the stairs, my strength to keep going at the lowest it could possibly be. it was like watching a goldfish flop around gasping for air on the floor.

the scene in front of me made my palms clammy, as juvenile as it was, to feel negative and vulnerable emotions, my heart wrenched in fear. my eyes were getting wet. a dead body. a fresh corpse. it wasn't any corpse, though. it was me. needles everywhere. little syringes all over my arms and legs, not yet withdrawn from my cold form. they were all empty, no longer sloshing with liquid. i had pills in my hand. my eyes, still wide open, were dilated in a way i've never seen before. i was smiling. the fresh blood dripping from my nose hadn't dried yet. my skin was as white as a sheet, alive and dead meet, blood cells slowing, heart no longer beating, the body of a decaying hope>the body of a pathetic cry>a garbled cry>a whimper for attention, yet chemicals releasing tension, until it pops.

until my body breaks.

until my friends leave.

until my emotions fade.

until all that's left is my heart.

and each heartbeat, slow and weak,

fades to nothing.

a s

e

l

fi

s

h,

plea

surable

escape

and my heart beats

and my heart loves

and my heart cries

and my heart gives in