door

(blood and implied s/h tw)

like honeydew to a heart, like ripping, shredding rot, asking a question that couldn't be asked due to a door that wouldn't open, a door inside a door,

an entrance to my body that envelops my whole being. that question refused to be asked, refused to be spoken, an aphonic kerplunk inside one's brain that stings,

pulsates and screams, in the back of my mouth, the back of my throat, the back of my thoughts.

an alleyway soaked in blood, dripping, brooding, hissing, crying and grabbing at my tattered clothes.

yellow pupils string and pull apart as the ground under me collapses in a million, trillion, billion, more than a god could count, pieces; and here i was, sitting in my room,

tears bubbling out of my eyes. tears i couldn't count, tears more than a god could count, and again, and again, it happened again. i had to ask this question,

this question behind all of those doors, full of even more doubts until that crushing fear consumes me. and here i am again, in my room.

what time is it?

what day is it?

it's 8:30 AM. i'm calm, my heart is trembling, i'm calm.

it's 8:31 AM. what day is it? monday, tuesday, again, again, the thoughts shatter and twist, piercing through the walls of someone i couldn't know; someone i couldn't reach.

i'm calm, my heart isn't beating, i'm calm

8:29 AM? i could smell honeydew. an escape, a door, another door, but the question remained. my heart searches for the honeydew, for a pleasurable escape; was i crying? it's 8:30 AM.

my arms are bleeding, leaking onto the carpet, before i found myself sitting in my own gaze.

regret seeped into my bones, my veins, my lungs, my eyes, my legs, but i found comfort.

through all of those doors,

all of those tears,

the answer was nothing special.

that honeydew, a pleasurable escape, i had found it.

it's 9 AM again.

and why should it matter? i tread through hallways upon hallways of vibrant splashes of refined red, my gait lethargic and hebetudinous as each step pierced through the silence; the snap of my rubber, plasticine shoes hitting the ambigious floor, endless beetles flying and buzzing around in my stomach as a thin layer of sweat ate away at my cold and clammy skin.

maybe this was the afterlife? the complex limbo of the brain, my intensly hued cerebrum that lit up at each step. the pain that throbbed and thrummed from my arms made my nervous system blubber and yowl, which in turn made more hot tears pour down my delicate, cracked porcelain cheeks.

this was the existence i was set to have.

the canvas set under my feet flashed at each throb of pain that shot within the cuts that i regretfully decided to make.

oh, pitiful me, pitiful me!

won't you pity me? hear my plea?

these cuts, they're from decree.

please, pity me.

the steady thrum that rung throughout the landscape lulled my tears, whispering soothing affirmations.

"a cut or two, that's okay to pursue..."

"it makes you feel better, to relieve that pressure."

"you'll keep cutting, won't you?"

"you'll keep cutting, won't you?"

that auspicious voice that quelled and subdued me, i didn't want to listen to it. i wanted to run and cover my ears, run to a different place, where that steady pain didn't mutilate the delicate skin on my wrists. then, a warm palm was placed in the centre of my chest.

i was completely still, as my heart palpitated and shook. my eyes were wide open, and i couldn't take a single second to look around my surroundings. this confusing warmth that slowly wrapped its temperate arms around my neck, the decor around us melting down to white mush. everything wasn't as threatening anymore.

[12:25 PM]

my trembling arms wrapped themselves around this unexplicable pleasent glow, the sensation of a gentle rub against my back making me puff out a breath i didn't even know i was holding in. it cooed words i wasn't familiar with.

"your arms are bleeding, and you aren't eating,"

"but you'll feel okay soon, i'll be your cocoon,"

"thank you for being trusting."

thank you for being trusting."

and i stood there, as the beads of sorrow that steadily streamed from my eyes turned into something else. the door was open, the doors i had tried to close opened on their own. and the warmth spread throughout my entire body. my tears weren't of despair, they weren't of panic or fear, but relief.

this desire to help, to heal,

i was misled to think it wasn't real,

that the people around me only loved my appeal.

but this warmth, it multiplated and grew,

it squeezed my heart anew

and our hearts mixed into a beautiful hue.

i love you.

need

(content warning?? i dont rlly know)

and forever i will thirst for a touch that will never come, forever i will let the slick of my tears fill my need for love, never quite loving the gaping maw that circles my heart and gnaws at the pulsing, sobbing muscle. blabble of other days, chipper words that were absent-minded but now missed and desperately needed, a picnic, clouds swirling in the sky, and smiles. bellylaughs, giggles and your embrace, your warm and glistening eyes encircling the skin that carries my organs, tired, heavy organs, that my body tries to hold in as long as it possibly can. my immune system, shut down, in a trance and hazy with details, dizzy with crave and torn at the mind.

the euphoric sting, string, a wonderful ring, neck to neck, a breath that shudders with a step that shatters, once there, never there, untold and unspoken, born twice with no love and dead at the scene.

happy chemicals>>>

(drugs tw)

i fall, i keep falling, deeper, further, never-ending and unbroken. that dread, the bottomless pit in a tattered body that spins and twists, squishing my stomach, jabbing and poking, as my lungs closed in on themselves, exhaling deeply, unable to breathe in. my organs refuse to keep moving, to keep me living, fear racking and schratching at my brain. i landed onto a flat surface, the impact somehow cushioned as i bounced up and down on what i thought was concrete. gray and cracked, yet bouncy and soft.

in heaved breaths, my legs force themselves to keep going, clumsily and haphazerdly climbing up the gelatin like stairs, squishing each step as my weight pressed down onto the now established ground> that i wasn't even sure was the ground> a playground> as flat yet as round> whispering as it transformed to a mound> flesh, rough flesh, veins i could trace with my gaze, as it rose, then fell, every few seconds. i didn't understand what could be happening, where i was, or who i was. these stairs, the pit below, was my only respite. so i climbed, i climbed, and didn't stop climbing. the skin like texture the stairs had taken made me shiver and jerk, feeling the meaty cushion at each step and pull. the fatigue of the repetitive movement, legs moving up and up, gnawed at my frail physique. surely, climbing this structure would free me from this absurd punishment. a punishment from god himself, a punishment for a disgrace in mind.

i crawled up to the top of the stairs, my strength to keep going at the lowest it could possibly be. it was like watching a goldfish flop around gasping for air on the floor.

the scene in front of me made my palms clammy, as juvenile as it was, to feel negative and vulnerable emotions, my heart wrenched in fear. my eyes were getting wet. a dead body. a fresh corpse. it wasn't any corpse, though. it was me. needles everywhere. little syringes all over my arms and legs, not yet withdrawn from my cold form. they were all empty, no longer sloshing with liquid. i had pills in my hand. my eyes, still wide open, were dilated in a way i've never seen before. i was smiling. the fresh blood dripping from my nose hadn't dried yet. my skin was as white as a sheet, alive and dead meet, blood cells slowing, heart no longer beating, the body of a decaying hope>the body of a pathetic cry>a garbled cry>a whimper for attention, yet chemicals releasing tension, until it pops.

until my body breaks.

until my friends leave.

until my emotions fade.

until all that's left is my heart.

and each heartbeat, slow and weak,

fades to nothing.

a s

e

l

fi

s

h,

plea

surable

escape

.

and my heart beats

and my heart loves

and my heart cries

and my heart gives in