hopelessly waiting
nestled within a deep pit of medical uncertainty
each day the vast crevice between two lachrymose lovers grows endlessly farther
4 epochs spent by 40000 tears, years of contemplating an amort body once lively
eyelids of your elyisan heart bound to a bed, impalpable mind eternally shut
the countless puerile bellylaughs we both shared, our palms against one another
all was lost, as well as your dulcet light, the time morphing me back to plasticine
if i must, i will bid adieu to your amorous embrace, the quintessence of my purpose
if the line between us ceases to beep, if your frail veins fail to flow
my final vow, my last pledge to your terminal exhale will shine through eons and eons
a promise not even millenias could break, our aphonic passion impervious to destiny itself
one day, we will reunite! beyond the rule of this merciless existence
and our boundless adoration shall sprout into a beautiful red flower.
02/24/2024
hold
to see your smile is a cruel mocking ive been subjected to
so alive and palpable, each time you appear
days pass and years elapse yet i cannot ignore your hand intertwined with mine
your form nestled in my unlovable embrace
veins tangled within mine
your gaze strangling out each tear upon tear
your words pulsing in my head
words, hateful words, bitter words
the rythm of your heart pulsing
the whispers of your hate unending
the love we shared yielding
trapped in a web i'm trapped in a web
a cycle of torment where thorns dig deeper at each movement
chrysalis in reverse, bedraggled
please stop hurting
hopeless loving
02/24/2024
cake and music
a relationship once full of harmony, tranquility and honey,
two altruistic girls, at the hands of a fierce taciturn force,
aphonic tenderness, a mix between saccharose and melodias upon melodias,
this bouquet of passion that erupted into songs of sweets and love seeming unending
------------------------------------------------------------
each day was spent sunny, each day was spent without ignomy,
yet, this girl, as sweet as she could be; wouldn't partake in waltz,
not even jazz, she'd impose new rules in a daz,
on her poor citizens, growing cruel and demented; her malice impending
------------------------------------------------------------
the girl who once danced with the other, a bystander to her lover,
the tide within her, it wasn't changed for the better; the tempestuous sea grew darker
as days, years, eternities continued, repeated, looped and connected,
they became ying and yang; both queens, one of evil and one of good
cake and music, love and hate, creation and destruction, hope and despair.
------------------------------------------------------------
bloodshed amused her to no ends, massacres, carnage, complete annahilation and murder,
she deliriously laughed, though not by choice, tangled in strings that wouldn't allow her departure
a laugh beyond reason, promised love and safety; promised to be perfected
beautiful friendship led astray by vows from a kindhearted sect, a kindhearted light which she was lured
this light assured to turn her domain to an empire, an empire to a universe, a light that feigned care
------------------------------------------------------------
a paperdoll led to believe that good was corrupt, music meant to coerce her
nothing but a charmer, pretending to love her; likewise to harm her
she would make something beautiful, something sublime; she would be loved, respected,
finally her own person, no longer would she let herself be obscured
impose all her love on her people, impose the light to all and repair
04/24/2024
a dream
that night, on an empty tapestry, cold as winter,
i saw you, but it wasn't the you i was used to
you weren't glaring at me, your smile wasn't bitter,
we were standing, facing one another, and it felt as if my heart was anew,
the pale yellow that coated the ground, the calm waters, that big river,
that linked to oceans, to the earth, just as i was linked to you
made me simmer with joy, as i took in a breath, your expression one of glimmer
---------------------------------------------------------------
i walked forward, my heart full, blithely upon seeing you so alive,
as blue tinted tears brushed upon the endless beads of light, i opened my arms,
but you stepped back, as if i was denied,
i went still at your expression, one of disgust, as i reached for your palms,
once i stepped forward, you stepped back, like the tide,
a neverending dance of craving, but never recieving, stabbing shards,
i desperately needed that guide, that affection you provide,
stabbing into my arms, stabbing into my palms,
we stepped into the frigid sea, artistic red seeping from my mind,
from my arms, seeping from my palms
---------------------------------------------------------------
each stride, each approach made an ariose melody, the melody we made combined,
it reminded me of when we played the piano, like touching upon stars,
all that love, that boundless affection, made into a motif, the universe aligned,
but each time you stepped back, the sound of dissonance and sobs,
echoed through the murky sky, wind beginning to rise as my trail chimed,
your hospital gown tattered, blown around by the breeze, my growing qualms,
rising off the ground was your feet, seeming to float while you smiled
---------------------------------------------------------------
my heart palpitated in awe, yet fear, as i clung to your dress,
i clawed and climbed, heaving in sudden panic, arms wrapped around your waist,
you flew up into the damp clouds, spinning as i held on, the sky now fluoresce,
motion sickness was whirling in my brain, my grip growing weaker as my hands ached,
i yelled out your name, i let out a shriek of distress,
i began falling backwards towards the fresh ocean, recieving a look of hate,
piercing through my very being, the water all encompassing nethertheless
--------------------------------------------------------------
the cold of the sea engulfed me, as i sunk into the frigid, wet mass of despair,
i refused to give up, restlessly rising back up, gasping and shaky,
my head snapped up into the sky, eyes growing wide, my heart in disrepair,
you stared back, your body burst into a million petals; i felt hazy,
a beautiful red poppy flower, blooming, flourishing in the sky, it just wasn't fair,
this imbrued scene of my only lover, breaking into a cluster of vines, you that i loved so dearly,
all my affection, all the work i had poured in her, all the praying i did to repair,
your shrill essence, that was no longer beating, carried through the wind grimly
in the form of a petal, the large poppy flower decaying, beginning to tear,
all the purpose i had from our hands intertwining, decomposing limply,
i let myself plunge, deep, deeply, closing my eyes and helplessly exhaling air
-------------------------------------------------------------
i was blown back to my reality, my eyelids quickly patulous
this clean, empty cushion, the one that had lost your smell
the you i was used to gave me a hindering smile, one that wasn't amorous,
yet i was drawn closer, even if you were a shell,
of someone i knew, someone so generous
but in truth, i wished you were well
i wished i saw you walk again, angiogenesis
i wished i didn't see you connected to tubes, iatrogenesis
i missed the noa who smiled and laughed when i told her jokes, instead of pathosis,
i missed the noa that didn't mock me, carcinogenesis
i craved hearing your voice rather than a recording on my phone, dialysis
i craved feeling your touch rather than a delusion, necrolysis
04/02/2024
my willow tree
in a colourless and clean world, that some might call a hospital,
i stood, frail, pale as gossamer, wrists thin without grapple,
i held and coddled each piece of fabric, my mother, my pillow,
as my body slowly failed, nailed to a matress. i stared out at the williow
the window, it was clear out today.
to know death was so tied to my kilo, i saw it as truth
my life was yet to bloom, as well as my youth.
i remembered days where i could run, laugh, draw,
i remembered when my body didn't gnaw,
its bones and its flesh, and i wasn't staring out at the williow
the window, it was clear out today.
i remembered when i wasn't bound to a wheelchair,
when i wasn't reminiscing on what we share,
my mother, my mom, my calm as i stared out at the williow
the window, it was clear out today.
i remembered when i didn't feel emetic pain every day, in every way,
when my thoughts weren't segmented, nonsensical, an array
of a chronically sick mind and body, one where i wasn't in a folly
when i didn't stare at that willow tree, that nobody,
that window, that blockade to joy, that blockade to freedom,
i contemplated a way out, this was truly my extremum,
that willow tree; that willow flee, that willow key.
it stands like me. it looks like me, it was free
i wanted to touch it, to slip between the cracks and run away,
even if the sky was gray, i'd do anything just to feel my hair sway,
in the wind, that natural wind, the earth's wind,
i needed to fall off, but i was pinned
i wanted to fall off, but i was skinned
03/18/2024
In My Eyes
again and again and again and again
it bounces around in my cerebral vein
the membrane filled with ballads, memories of our concord
when i wallowed, you'd be my monochord,
to my clumsy melody, you'd lull me
a song rearranged, the symphony to our naive glee
"do it again! do it again!" we'd lilt together,
hand in hand, our joie de vivre was our forever
to think that such a jocund smile, my panacea,
would collapse, spiritless and in constant apnoea
never moving, never talking, laying still
in blank, clean cushion, all i could do was shrill
again and again and again and again
that melliflious voice, it frazzles my desultory brain
those effervescent eyes, dull in endless limbo
dead or alive? like existence's half open window
to eternal philosophical questions, often absurd
humanity's jabberwocky, it ends up blurred
"do it again! do it again!" i'd lilt alone,
no response, i was pushing a swing you own
a swing you owned, one that represented us and our union
does it matter if what i see is real? a delusion?
even if you don't have eyes, even if your words are full of lies,
to hold someone warm, the color of skies
i can't say my goodbyes
03/14/2024
the next set of poems are much older. forgive me!
telephone game
i will call, i promised
amber, it preserved your beauty
painful glares, your grasp twists what you desired
i looked up, battered and amorous
i will call, i promised
impassioned by the pain, your glowing claws
i felt sick, you were fierce
acute sharpness while i coddled, be that as it may
i will call, i promised
so cold, i cried!
an unsteady hand picked at the device
i welcomed, the line connected our hearts
yours callous, mine tender
my love, i called
your voice draggy, my tone warm
and every morning, every afternoon, every night
i would twirl and titter over every utterance
because it was the only time
in a life full of misfortune
that i felt complete
12/26/2023
sadly this website's font doesn't support french... ignore the obvious grammar issues due to this
scarabee
scarabee, scarabee
quel-est cette lumiere dans le ciel?
vient-elle de moi? vient-elle de toi?
que tu est coquette... elegante et raffinee.
ta carapace rondelet, mais eclatante, petillante dans le soleil eblouissant.
scarabee, scarabee
aime-tu les fleurs?
suis-je a ta hauteur, rongeur d'ecorce?
cette lumiere... elle vient de toi, n'est-ce-pas?
mes petales, les trouve-tu jolies?
j'aimerai etre comme toi.
rire comme toi, sourire comme toi...
j'aimerai etre comme vous.
... ou peut-etre pas.
unknown date
would you like to go back?